Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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