do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
