Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
