hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
