I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
