That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
