tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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