saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
