dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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