you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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