Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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