im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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