bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
