omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
