Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
