Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
