Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
