Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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