I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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