On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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