i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
this is an emotional support booty call
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
