Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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