Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
