thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
