Will you blow on my dice?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
