Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
