from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
