I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
