I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
