Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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