I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
