hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
