Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
