people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
