My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
