I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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