4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
