My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
