I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
