It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hope mine doesn't look like that
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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