I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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