3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
