The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
