What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
