If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
