I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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