my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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