She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
