Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it was like eating out sand paper
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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