My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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