You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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